FIGHT

STORY BEHIND THE SONG: FIGHT

There was an article written about this song by Too Much Love Magazine:

https://toomuchlovemagazine.com/indieskyz-stand-up-and-fight/

Basically here is the story in my own words:

There are 2 sides to my personality. The quiet, sweet, introverted person who sings adult contemporary, and the powerful, dynamic, forceful indie rocker.

Most of the time I only show people the quiet introverted person. I choose not to show my rocker personality in my daily life as it would probably lead to more conflict.:)

Because I usually only show the quiet introverted friendly person in my daily life to others, throughout my life, unfortunately, I have attracted quite a few narcissistic bullying personalities.

Because I try to not react in anger or in hurt, I generally do not respond to toxic behavior. Instead, I have empathy for the person who is the bully (I know this may be messed up a bit, but I cannot help it. I cannot help the inherent way I am made). I feel badly for them that they are so insecure and depressed that they cannot see a way through it and push their internal toxic garbage on others because they simply cannot figure out a way to function without hurting others.

This invokes my empathy to a certain extent (but there is a limit). I let it slide off my back mostly when they yell and scream. Or at least I have done in the past. After writing this song, I may not do that in future. In fact I feel like I won’t.

The story of this song:

In my daily life, for years now, I have had to deal with a very toxic bully. Unfortunately, I could not get away from the situation as quickly as I wanted to as this bully was a workplace bully.

While I have had bullies in my immediate family that I grew up with, most of life I got away from them and didn’t accept their behavior. I stood up to them even when I was a child. I remember being 8 years old at a family reunion and standing on a chair shouting at the top of my lungs and standing up to a prejudice bully in the family.

I HATE prejudice. HATE IT. It makes my skin crawl.

Always have from an early age. So I don’t have a problem standing up to bullies, no matter what their particular prejudice or narcissistic self belief is.

But when it is work related, it is a bit more difficult.

This particular workplace bully would blame me for things that were not my fault, set me up for failure on the job, purposefully sabotage my work, take it out on me when he was stressed out by the higher ups.

It was particularly bad during the busy periods at work. He would get very stressed and take it out on me. He just simply did not know how to handle work stress.

It was sad really. He was a very accomplished worker with loads of educational accomplishments and experience, but for some reason which I cannot fathom he felt threatened by me (which is weird to me since I did not have the qualifications he did).

This one particular day, he was extraordinarily stressed out. In his prototypical fashion when he was stressed, he threw me under the bus and blamed me for something I did not do. This did not bother me as I knew I didn’t do it and was familiar with his emotional hurricane behavior and did not take it personally. I am quite competent in my job and knew I had the respect of my coworkers and higher ups. I am quietly confident in my job. No need to shout it out or make a big scene about it. Just get the work done and move on to the next thing. That is how I operate at work.:)

It also oddly helps me that I had such toxic bullies in my immediate family growing up. I don’t lose my cool around bullies as I had so much experience dealing with them growing up. But back to my story-

This day was different from my coworker’s usual rants though. He crossed a line with me.

So the thing about me is that you can yell and scream at me and it doesn’t faze me. It rolls off my back like a duck because I know that it really says more about you than it does about me. It speaks to your state of mind, your mental illness and distorted self image, and lack of peace. Also, I am tough inside. I will not give a bully the satisfaction of letting them know that they got to me. I keep my cool.

BUT if you curse at me, ALL BETS ARE OFF.

He crossed the line and cursed at me for the first time ever.

The thing about me when I am working is that I am quietly calm. But when he cursed at me, that got my attention. I remember lightning coursing through my body and yet at the same time being strangely quietly calm, cool and collected. Quietly powerful. Secure in myself.

I quietly stood up and matter-of-factly stood up to him.

He shocked that I had the audacity to stand up to him. He got more and more agitated. He raised his voice louder and in a booming voice tried to gaslight me and frighten me.

I wasn’t having it.

I just got a bit more resolved but cooler and even calmer and repeated what he said when he cursed at me. I told him that crossed a line with me. That that was not ok.

He tried to wiggle out of it by trying to cajole me and emotionally manipulate me into being ok with it. He tried gaslighting me again. Trying to bully me again.

Again, I wasn’t having it.

I stood my ground in a very quiet and calm way. No need to make a fuss or raise my voice. No need to make a fool of myself. I just stood my ground quietly and repeated myself in a quiet, calm and respectful manner. Then I walked away to give him some space mentally to think about his actions (and the fact that I wasn’t backing down).

He stormed off in an aggressive manner. Making it plain that he wanted everyone to know he was upset.

I sat down and looked at my desk and made the decision that if he came back in trying to manipulate, gaslight, cajole me, yell at me, or in any other way bully me, I was going to get up and walk out because no job was worth that. I also knew that if I reported it to the higher ups he would have been fired. But I choose not to do that as I was the only one that he bullied at the workplace due to the fact that I worked so closely with him. And also because to be honest I didn’t like the job anyway and knew I was a short timer since I was already looking for a new job. It just was not worth the energy.

After an hour or so, he came back in and profusely apologized to me. His behavior altered towards me from that day on. He was much more courteous and respectful with me after that. I think partially out of guilt, and partially out of fear of me telling (which I would never do).

I think the thing that got the most attention though was how shocked he was that I stood up to him. That had him completely gob smacked.

In the past with other bullies (workplace bullies, social bullies, family bullies, etc.), that is always the thing that blows them away. When I quietly stand up to them when they cross the line. They are always so shocked and at a loss when I do that. I am quietly confident.

I am naturally quiet in social settings and in the workplace. I am not trying to be that way or affect a certain nature, I just am that way naturally. When I am not performing rock or going to a rock concert, I am a quiet person. So it really blows people away when all of a sudden to them I appear to grow a backbone and stand up to them. When in reality I had a backbone all along, a very strong one, I was just trying to exhibit emotional and spiritual maturity and empathy. Just because I am mostly calm and cool and collected, just because I exhibit those traits exteriorly, does not mean that there is not a fire raging inside (my rocker personality). It does not mean that my ego wanted me to jump up in his face and cuss him right back out. It just means I was successful in tempering and dampening that instinct. Thank goodness.

I was choosing to be calm and respectful. I am trying to be a better person. :) Really genuinely trying with all my heart. I am choosing not to let my anger out. It is not that it does not exist. I am just choosing something else.

I believe that whatever you put out there is amplified. If you put out good, it is amplified. If you put out bad, it is amplified as well.

When you put toxicity in the world, it amplifies it and makes the world a worse place.

And I do not want to do that.

Instead, I came home and released all that hatred and rage and adrenaline in the song.

LYRICS for FIGHT

You tried to steal my light
And push your dark on me
You started lies and rumors
You won't get off scott-free

Oh how you tried to discredit me
You're so consumed with containing me
How shocked you're gonna be
You TOXIC BULLY

When I find the FIGHT in me
This quiet strength inside of me
Burns bright against your night
I'll fight this noble
Fight this savage
FIGHT
I'll fight this noble
Fight this savage

You threw me to your demons
Under that bus threw me
Thinking that you could escape them
At the expense of me

You thought you could make me your target
Now you're running SCARED
When you started it
You poked the bear
Released THE BEAST in me

Oh I found the FIGHT in me
This savage strength inside of me
Burns fierce against your night
I'll fight this noble
Fight this savage
FIGHT
I'll fight this noble
Fight this savage
FIGHT
I'll fight this noble
Fight this savage

Your evil deeds so fruitless
That's so FUNNY
Ha ha ha
The Source of LIGHT my witness
You'll feel the fury

You mistook my kindness for weakness
Of your safety you're so reckless
Reckless
ALLLLLLRIIIIIGHT
You set this off
COME GET YOUR DESTINY